Yerself Is Steam
by Tango Whiskeyman
Summary: In an uncertain world, two troubled teenagers find solace in one another. Set in the manga universe. [Shinji/Rei]


I don't know why I gave it this title. Guess I had Mercury Rev on the brain.

Takes place between chapters 56 and 57.

 **Update (12/30/2018):** Just changed a few words and made some other minor edits.

* * *

It was in solitude that Rei Ayanami had always felt most comfortable. Far away from the tedious minutiae of human society – the burdens of everyday life. She'd always known that she was an outsider, that she was different. Or at least, she'd always thought she knew. Somehow, without even realizing; something had changed.

Rei's life was one of simplicity. She'd seen little need for luxuries or indulgences. Her own lonely little apartment, with however few possessions held inside, was her haven – her escape. Since meeting _him_ however, as the days turned to weeks, and the weeks turned to months – what she'd once considered sanctuary in a miserable, hellish world, was feeling increasingly more like a prison.

Where once she'd felt content, she would now feel hollow, incomplete – as if she weren't fully human. Not long ago, that thought would never have caused her distress.

Now, it _terrified_ her.

Most painful of all, Rei would now… want. As repressed as her desires had been, just like any other person, her heart yearned. Yearned for the company of another, the touch of another, the _love_ of another.

 _"Ikari…"_ Rei whispered.

Shinji Ikari; the boy she swore to protect, the boy who showed her care and compassion, the boy who despite his insecurities, his uncertainties, his fears, his weaknesses, would always be her hero.

The boy who awakened her heart.

It was only in his presence when Rei felt truly happy, truly alive.

As she stood idly in her apartment's kitchen, Rei gently bit her lip before her eyes shot to the clock.

5:32

She had invited Shinji over. The following days since his release from the hospital had been tumultuous for Rei. Emotions with which she was completely unfamiliar – emotions she had once believed she simply didn't possess – had run rampant. The warm sensation of his hand firmly yet gently grasping hers continued to pulsate through her palm and fingers.

And of course, there had also been that less than cordial appointment with Dr. Akagi.

She sighed as she lifted her right hand in front of her. Her mind continued to wander, from thoughts about Ikari to reflections on herself. As her musings persisted to grow and spiral, she heard two loud knocks against her apartment door – putting an abrupt halt to her reverie.

"Ayanami?" came a muffled voice from outside the apartment. Her lips curving in the faintest of smiles, Rei quickly, yet gracefully, approached the entrance.

Opening the door, she greeted the visitor with a softly spoken, "Ikari."

With both hands held behind his back, Shinji offered the girl a nervous smile. "I'm on time, right?" he shyly asked. "I hope I didn't keep you waiting…"

Rei shook her head. "No, you're on time."

"Oh, that's good."

The apartment hadn't changed much since Shinji's last visit. It was still the same dreary little dwelling he remembered. _It must be awful living all alone in a place like this…_ he thought somberly.

"I, uh, got you something," Shinji mumbled as he revealed what was held behind him – a fancily assorted bouquet of flowers, white as snow.

"Flowers…" Rei said longingly. They weren't necessary, they served no practical purpose… so why did she feel happy? _Because they are a gift,_ she mused. _A gift from Ikari…_

"L-lilies to be specific. I don't really know much about flowers, but I think they suit you. They're pretty, don't you think?"

He offered the bouquet to Rei, which she proceeded to stare at for several seconds. "Yes," she eventually said, "they _are_ pretty. Thank you."

Rei returned to the kitchen, placing the flowers on one of the countertops. After removing his shoes, Shinji soon joined her. "Do you have a vase, Ayanami?"

"No."

"Maybe after we're done here, we can go out and buy you one," Shinji said. "My treat."

Rei wrapped her left hand around her right – her thumb pressed against her palm, the other digits over her backhand – and squeezed. "I would… like that."

Shinji let his eyes wander until they eventually caught sight of two cups – steam rising from both. "Oh, you made tea?" he asked, to which Rei nodded.

"Yes. Please have some."

Shinji hesitated, remembering the last and only time he'd seen Rei attempt to make tea. If this attempt was anything like that one, well… perhaps it was best not to think about that.

"Th-thanks," he said somewhat warily as he grabbed the cup. "Please tell me you were more careful with the kettle this time…"

"I did not burn myself." A faint blush crept across her cheeks as she retrieved the remaining cup.

"That's good. I don't want you getting hurt, especially if it's for my sake." Shinji peered down into his cup. _Looks okay,_ he thought. He then took a long whiff, closing his eyes as its surprisingly pleasant aroma filled his senses. _Smells nice, too. Well, here goes nothing…_

Shinji took a short sip. He then paused, wide-eyed, before following it up with one much larger.

"This is really good, Ayanami!"

"Thank you," she said sincerely, touched by the boy's flattery, "I have been practicing."

"So…" Shinji started before taking another sip, "…what did you want to see me for? You were kind of, um… brief on the phone."

'Brief' may have been an understatement. While Shinji _was_ glad to receive her call, he couldn't help but feel a little disoriented once it was over. She'd simply asked if he could visit her apartment at 5:30PM – no elaboration, no idle chat, just that. "Y-yeah, I'd li–" was all he'd been able to say before she hung up. The entire exchange was over within a matter of seconds.

Rei took one sip of her tea before setting it down. She then moved her left hand to wrap around her right forearm – doing so had become somewhat of a habit for her. "When we held hands… how did you feel?"

Shinji furrowed his brow, looking contemplative. How did he feel? He wasn't entirely sure how to explain how he felt. Such a moment couldn't simply be trivialized as two kids holding hands and nothing more. Something profound had been shared between them that day.

Under normal circumstances, he would've felt too embarrassed to be completely honest about his feelings. After everything he and Rei had been through however, he knew he could open himself up to her. He wasn't exactly sure how he'd express himself in words, but he'd try… for Ayanami.

"I… don't know if this will make sense to you, but it felt almost…" Shinji seemed to struggle finishing his sentence, "…spiritual?"

He took a deep breath. "In that moment, everything else seemed so far away. All the confusion and anger I've been feeling… towards my father, the angels, myself… it was like it… didn't matter."

Shinji set his cup aside, then locked eyes with Rei's.

"I was comfortable, I was at peace, I was… I was…"

His tanned fingers gently brushed against her porcelain cheek. Rei shivered at his touch. Her eyes wide, she could feel her heart thumping as heat rapidly spread across her face.

"…happy," he finally said with a smile. "Happy to be with you, Ayanami."

It didn't take long after that for reality to come crashing down for Shinji. Blushing madly, he quickly forced his hand away from Rei then shut his eyes tight. "S-sorry, Ayanami!" he all but shouted. "I d-didn't mean to get c-carried away like that!"

Cursing himself internally, Shinji was about ready to excuse himself before a light weight on his shoulder, followed by a gentle squeeze, caught him by surprise. His eyes slowly pried open – much to his relief, the sight that greeted him was a pleasant one. Rei's hand was rested on his shoulder, gently caressing it. She was comforting him.

"Do not apologize," Rei said, her voice authoritative, though soft as ever.

Taken aback slightly, Shinji allowed himself to smile again, though weakly.

"M-maybe I do apologize a little too much… thanks for listening, Ayanami."

Rei smiled ever-so-slightly back at him.

"So, uh, Ayanami… h-how did _you_ feel when we held hands?"

Whatever uncertainty that had lingered in her heart was long gone. Rei knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, just how she felt about this boy. Even if telling him could very well likely end up hurting them both, no longer could she deny her heart's desire.

"There is much in this world I do not fully comprehend." Moving her hand from his shoulder, Rei covered Shinji's right hand with both of hers. "Such as love."

"A-Ayanami…?"

"My heart _trembles_ in your presence. It _pains_ in your absence." Rei released a deep breath. "In my moments alone, I find myself… longing for your company."

She began tracing her thumb across the back of Shinji's hand. He responded with a low whimper.

"I did not fully understand why this was, but in that moment our hands touched… there was clarity."

As he patiently waited for her to continue, Shinji shakily placed his left hand on top of Rei's – regretfully putting a stop to her little thumb massage. He had a gut feeling about what she was going to say next, but his mind was having a hell of a difficult time processing it.

"I…" Rei breathed out, "…love you, Shinji."

Shinji froze, eyes wide like a deer caught in the headlights. Rei stared on, concern etched across her face. The apartment had become near dead-quiet, save for the steady tick, tick, ticking of the analog clock. With each second that passed, the torturously uncomfortable atmosphere grew more and more palpable.

 _Tick_

 _Tick_

 _Tick_

With noticeable apprehension, Rei removed her hands from Shinji's.

"I know what I'm doing is selfish," she nearly whispered, finally breaking the silence.

She then blinked.

What was that… wetness she just felt?

 _Tears…?_ Rei asked herself. _Am I… crying?_ She blinked once more – she was now acutely aware of the unpleasant sting in her eyes and the wetness that trailed down her cheeks.

"I… do not know what the future entails for either of us. There are factors beyond either of our control that could come between us."

It was a sniffle that followed that finally brought Shinji to his senses.

"I also… understand if you do not feel the sa–"

Rei was silenced as her pale lips were suddenly snatched in a kiss.

 _What am I doing?!_ Shinji internally screamed. _What the_ _ **hell**_ _am I doing?!_

Rei's initial shock from Shinji's bold gesture didn't take long to wear off. Within seconds, she moved her hands to grasp Shinji's scarlet cheeks, and returned the kiss. Just how long did the display last? 10 seconds? 20? 30? A minute? Neither of the two were certain.

Once their lips finally parted, both teens took a few small breaths. Shinji brushed his thumbs against Rei's cheeks, wiping away whatever tears he could – gazing awestruck into her crimson irises as he did so.

 _I know it's the lamest line there is,_ he thought, _but even so… I really_ _ **could**_ _get lost in those eyes…_

"I… I'm scared of a lot of things," Shinji began, a nervous quiver in his voice. "No, not scared – _terrified_. Every day I wake up could be my last. Even if I do survive this war, I have no idea where my life is going to lead."

Despite himself, he managed to smile.

"B-but, with you by my side, I feel… hopeful… strong even. I want us to experience a life worth living. One where we aren't burdened by Angels or Eva. And I believe that that's something we can achieve together."

Closing his eyes, Shinji touched his forehead to Rei's and pressed his palms against hers – their fingers entwined soon after.

The sensation of his skin pressed against hers, the gentleness of his touch, the warmth radiating from him… after years of sterility and isolation, this was all so invigorating for Rei. Likewise, the closeness of someone who truly cared for him, who truly loved him, provided a comfort Shinji would never take for granted.

"Even if that kind of life is just a hopeless pipe dream, I think… that as long we have each other… even the lives we're stuck with now are worth living."

Shinji opened his eyes to the sight of Rei's expectant face. He prepared to continue but found himself… hesitant. A memory, one from not long ago, had resurfaced. Shinji's smile fell to a frown.

"You know," he said after a short moment of silence, "I remember a conversation I had with Mr. Kaji before I was absorbed…"

Shinji pulled his head away from Rei's.

"He said that because of the things he and I had done… the mistakes we'd made… that neither of us deserved happiness. I didn't really know how to feel about all that…"

Rei's grip on Shinji's hands loosened.

"I'm not sure if I deserve happiness… but does _anyone_? Do any of us really _deserve_ anything? Maybe it's not that I _deserve_ happiness and should just expect it, but that I should pursue it – _earn_ it." Shinji's expression changed to reflect his newfound determination. "That might not be what Mr. Kaji meant, but right now, here with you… I'm happy. And I'm not going to let myself ruin that."

He let loose another sigh, smiling once more as he released Rei's hands.

"I..."

He swallowed.

"...love you, Rei."

With that, she flung her arms wide open, capturing him in a warm embrace. As Shinji's arms gently wrapped around her delicate frame, Rei nestled her face in the crook of his neck. It was there, holding the girl he loved, when Shinji first felt true purpose. And it was there, in the secure embrace of the boy she loved, when Rei first felt truly whole.

What followed were two whispers, spoken in perfect harmony.

 _"Thank you."_


End file.
